| why arent the movies real .why arent i in them...school is meaningless ..my life is meaningelss....
i cant believe she cares. i wont believe it i refuse to. i love how i
play it off like its funny. those arent tears of laughter...no. im
scared. i dont like it. once again i hate being here. fucking idiot. i
can sit here and type..focused and concentrating on what im doing...but
it took me an entire night to type a hour long paper. i hate myself i
am meeessseeddd up. i want to die. i might just end up like her cousin
or aunt or whatever..
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| im so tired but i cant sleep. why would i want to sleep? its such a
waste of time. and whats the point of sleeping when i know im just
gonna wake up. great. i am a cow. why did she have to do that. she
doesnt understand i dont understand. i dont think anyone raeally sees
(including myself) that my life really is over. there is no bouncing
back theres no second chances theres no escaping my own eternal
damnation. god im so overdramaticc. why? thats so annoying im sooo
annoying i hate myself why cant i be normal? just chill. no i cant. ya
know sometimes i dont know if im acting or not.why cant i be like her.
why cant i be perfect? i mean ..everyone else is.why do i think im any
different. im no different. im not special i have no right. we dont
have time left to regret? i think i have too much time. i cant hold on.
i dont want to. if my life is all i have to hold on to i want to throw
it at someone. not keep it. i am nobody. doesnt she know?! doesnt
she...why cant she read my mind?! whats wrong with you people. not
really. im lashing out. its what i do. not worthy not worthy. cmon
people i have problems. lots of them. too many. i listed like 4 pages
of my stupid stupid problems. im tired of being alone. really tired of
it. i always thought i liked it but i guess not anymore. what if im not
having fun..does time stop? i wish it did. well bethany you wish
alot of stuff but that doesnt come true now does it? why AM i so
overdramatic? really? i dont like it its not like i love drama.
..actual drama. not like theatre. i cant like anyhting anymore i will
just screw that up too. i dont know what to do. this is such a bigger
deal than anyone knows. maybe they think it isnt..but they dont
understand. gee maybe if everyone had the emotional range of the
pacific ocean like i....its almost like i want everyone to make
themselves miserable to bring them down to join me at my level. thats
selfish. lindsay is nice. and normal. thought i would share. - im
wallowing in a pit of sorrow. i should die. i was gonna say leave...but
yeah. i have to think of whats best for the world..
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| why cant i just do somthing right at the right time for once. my whole
life consists of i should have i should have how in the hell am i
supposed to know whats going to happen!? i dont i want to. how many
times can i say oh if only ...if only i had gone with them if only i
had made friends with these people if only i wasnt so stupid maybe i
shoud learn to think. i love dance i love dance i love dance i love
dance. i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life. im not alone. oh i
find the biggest and yet worst satisfaction in knowing that..i am not
the only one who loves dance. but im told ..that ..those people those
other people who love it and live by dance are wrong they are stupid
they are bad they are to be chasticed but ah these here these who are
but only snobby greater than thou mediocres..are to be held in the
highest esteem. i am wrong . clearly everything i know about the world
is WRONG i am wrong. that is why i shouldnt be here.
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| im so pissed off. i am so angry that im here. i dont want to be alive im angry that i am! I HATE BEING HERE. i hate "being" in general. ya know. i am an ungrateful little insignificant cow. i know but that doesnt make me enjoy my life ANY more. not happy not happy. noone ever feels sorry for me. ever. i mean im sure i feel sorry enough for myself. the world doesnt need to participate. but really noone has any idea nor do they want to. i wouldnt want to. people have enough problems of their own. i wish someone cared, i know alot of people care or whatever but they dont want to know how i feel and i dont either, i hate how i feel. oh right. i hate me in general. i wouldnt waste my time with me. i hate me. why cant you love me, ill change for you...ill play the part. IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY why am i such a terrible person why was i made for disaster i can do no right. why am i here still? shouldnt my terrible ways have killed me long ago? what is intervening here!? i dont want it to. i am meant for hell. oh that makes sense. i mean i am in hell...really...i dont want to be herrreee. anywhere. i want to cease to exist. it will come soon enough i suppose. be careful what you wish for be careful what you wish for be careful. i am not careful. i see it now another thing to add to my flaws list now serving an infinite number. stop being here i hate you. WHATS WRONG WITH ME |
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| you know....reading back on some of these entrys...i dont think i was actually that happy. it seems like i was but surely i couldnt be....ive been the least happy now than i have ever been. oh ..right because i am a pessamistic bitch...i recall now . i figure since noone reads these or even if they did they wouldnt care to read this ...then i maybe can express myself. god forbid i do that. i hate myself . i really do. and i can completly understand why other people hate me too any good quality i ever had... is ovverrun by all of the terribbblle things about me. i am a terrible evil hateful brat of a human. i dont deserve half of the things i have ..like friends. i am cruel to them i have no reason to be here none at all...unless it is to burden the lives of other and screwww everything up which is yes exactly what i do. i was so important i am paying for all of the mistakes ive ever made. which..im not getting enough punishment. my life is hell and i am falling falling falling apart. its over. i am not a strong person. i cannot make it through the most seemingly trivial things . i am a joke. no part of me is real. not a single speck. and oh how defensive... even now as i am actually dying becasue of how awful i am...i am trying to blame others. please just a speck, just an inkling of knowledge that it isnt all my fault. but how can i conjur up somthing that doesnt exist. i know how. i must know. i do it all of the time. i pretend. i am a pretender -fake -liar -faux. thats all ive ever done with my life and i was supposed to do soo soo much more. why didnt i ? i am not cut out for anything i can not do anything right. i know i cant so why try? ive been trying and i have buried myself alive. i wanted so bad to be..to be a good person. i have no morals i have no purpose i am worthless i am worthless i am worthless. i dont like me. i hate me. i dont want to be around me anymore so how in the world can i expect anyone to? i thought..i pretended that ya know "atleast im not like so and so oh yeah and this girl is mean and shes not as great as she thinks...." who am i fooling i ask this...i dont mean anything. i am not real. i have successfully plummeted myself into the oblivion of ceasing to exist. and yet, here i am. sitting. doing nothing for anyone. exept wallowing in my own pathetic demise. i hate me. i would never waste an ounce of anything on me. worthless worthless...i could have been great they will say.. i thought she would make somthing of herself...yeah we didnt like her but i thought she would atleast try...what? she did try? well she did a great job. maybe she shouldnt have...then she wouldnt have ended up like this. hmm what a sad story. i cant stand it anymore i have to get away from myself the person i hate the most. i know i know you wouldnt ever think it would you? the way i trash others? me like others more than myself oh the humanity. no more no more no more. not me . i dont want to be around myself anymore. i get on my nerves i am so annoying i just mess things up why is she here? im soooo sorry im sorry im sorry in so many more ways than one i am a sorry person i am so sorry i dont want forgiveness i am not worth the thought. i messed up bad thats what i do thats the only thing i can do and you are all so so so so so so much better off without me think think think think of the life think of better think of it...no me noone better bettter...the animosity the drama the irresponsibility gone gone. im so sorry there are not enough adverbs to express my misery and sorrow but ohh take comfort. take peace in knowing how miserable and pathetic i am right now becasue unlike so many things that i am. that is real. i hate me. i dont like her anymore. i wish she would just leave. |
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